i was alone in the apartment. it was neither sunny nor raining and a soft glow was filterd by the sheer curtain in the threshhold between the balcony and the stu. willow was beside the bookshelf, napping as usual; his head cradled by the balcony door's jamb.

i went to him, slowly, making smoochy-kissey sound so that he knows i was coming and he won't be too surprised - in his words sometimes harassment. i lay on my right arm, my left arm moves so as to stroke the side of his body, after which he stretches and showed his stomach, tuckering his had with his two front legs which accompanied his soft murmuring purr. i looked through the curtain and to the heights of the apartment parallel to ours and felt a calmness come over me.

are you sleeping? i asked.

hmm, he answered.

are you okay? i asked.

hrmmr... hrmmr?

can't complain much, i answered.

hmrmr?

well, given the situation, at least im still eating, so that's not too bad. you're still eating, too.

hmmrmr hmrmr... hmrrm

i know, the tuna can or the wet food is just too expensive for us. maybe once i get hired by this company.

hrm

best you believe it.

...

do you experience time the way we do?

...

at some point, i stopped petting his stomach and he stopped purring so i scratched him again and buried my face on his side. he smacked my head playfully - as lightly that word can be used on this dude - and then i stopped.

alright, gee.

hhrmmrmmmm. hmrrmmr

i don't know, i was just curious. we're both just lying here, you know. days do seem kind of boring anyway already. you dont have to be cranky about answering, man.

he thought for a moment and then - hmmrm. hrrmrm.

well i asked you first. and yes, i was going to gauge my answer based on yours.

hmmrmm. hrmmm. hmmmrm..

man, you sound old and a bit jaded sometimes really.

hmrmmrm.

okay, okay. you dont need to be worked up.

hmrmrmmm.

childish? well, i guess that's why i am asking, too. what really is the benchmark in being marked as an adult or a grown-up? i am twenty-four now, you know. still, i feel slightly lost.

hmrmm

good point. i think i am. well, hoping that i am. i am hoping i am doing an 'ok' job trying to find a sense of direction. after my last job, i said to myself, well at least now i know what that looks like and also never again. but now, i dont know. life still presents itself as unalterably vast and uncharted and unmappable, and therefore there is more than what i can grasp.

hmr...

i don't know know what now. ive been applying all the ways, even those i said never again to, i kinda still gravitate toward them: things i have an experience for but also things i do not have just in case; things that look good based on reddit, but also to the companies that looks bad based also on reddit pages reviews.

...

im becoming desperate. time feels both over and all-consuming recently. i said to myself, i'll sell myself again to corporate slavery if necessary. i mean my desires for a career.

...

i just feel like time is something we can't go back to so i am trying to build a career instead of jumping ship. some sense of growth, or pattern over-time gives credibility, right?

grrr

wait, what are you growling at me for? . i tilted my head and balanced some of my weight on my right side and saw his whiskers twitching softly. bro, you sleeping on me? hey, you're dreaming babe. heyy.

hmrmmr

what did you dream about? looks like a bad one? it does serves you right for sleeping on me heh.

hrmmmrmm. hrmmmr.

well, fair enough. i didn't say it will be a good conversation but i get it, man. go back to sleep then.

hmrm.

alright, alright, i'm rubbing your stomach. but only until you fall asleep again okay?

hrmmr.

alright, alright.